Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
Randomize
