i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
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