Got a toothbrush?
K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
