I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
