if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
