my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
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