Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
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