Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
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