Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
Randomize
