AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Randomize
