you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Randomize
