i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.