i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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