I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
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