party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
