She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Randomize
