I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
