fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Randomize
