she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
Randomize
