Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
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