Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
Randomize
