Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
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