and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
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