You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
We are two peas in an std pod
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Randomize
