Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Randomize
