There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Randomize
