if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize
