I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
the guy next to me needed a pen, so I let him take one from my book bag. my panties are now being passed around the class...thank you for telling me you hid them in my bookbag.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
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