I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
