i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
I want to fling myself into the sun
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
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