Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
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