Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
Randomize
