i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
they call him Oral-B. enough said
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
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