Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
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