I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Randomize
