guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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