if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
Randomize
