so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
he's hot he just has too much baggage, and has really fucking skinny ankles which freaks me out
you aren't having sex with his ankles, As long as knee caps and above are good, i'd go for it
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
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