i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
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i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
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