Just took my morning after pill in the library
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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