Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
