I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
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