broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
My ATM looks so different sober.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
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