I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
Randomize
