I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I checked into jail on foursquare
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Randomize
