Culvers...So Good
So good. The butter burgers slip right outta my ass.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
Randomize
