your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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