That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Randomize
