I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
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