Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
the night ended with taco bell and tears
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Randomize
