Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Randomize
