I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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