Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
he called me a worthless slut and then went 2 the bathroom 2 pee on the floor before leavin. but he was really hot and he left his jacket, should i call him?
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
