I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
