Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
My balls are so social today.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Randomize
