I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
