i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
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