the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
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